Heavy Sigh

I have a problem, but I'll get to that later.

Today I awoke early to go with some friends to Animal Kingdom. It's a super cool park with a lot of neat things to do. I went with some of Amanda's roomates and Teddy, who came only at the last second.

The entire time, I was being entirely lame. I talk and joke at some points in the trip, but otherwise, I was just being awkward. That's what I am: extremely awkward. I can't help it. As we ride the roller coasters, I sit there smiling, sometimes, and my pictures they take on the ride are always calm and not dramatic like everyone else is. I don't ever go crazy against my overbearingly calm state of mind. This kind of state of mind is highly susceptible to depression, which is what of course comes next.

I feel heavy the rest of the day. I left early to get to Wal-Mart before the last bus comes. Even that bright building of joy and happiness couldn't drag me out of this deepness. I go home and drop my stuff off and head to Cici's to drown my sorrows in pizza and chocolate with Liz, my not literal, literary friend. So I sit there and then I go home.

There's only so many times you can go places alone before yuo start to feel like a loser. Meeting people here is so complicated. It's like speed-dating... friendship... You'll talk to someone for like five minutes on the bus and if you don't there number, you're never going to see them again. Which makes things difficult and a little awkward. For women, it may seem like your getting picked up asking for a number so quickly in your breif relationship. For men, it's kind of the same thing, because if they're gay, than it's like your asking for a date. If they're straight, they came to Disney assuming that every guy other than them that comes here is gay, so it's like you're trying to pick them up. This is all probably me just overthinking the situation, but that's what I do.

I'm completely neurotic. I would love to be more social, I would love to have more friends here. I want to be more outgoing and do exciting things with exciting people. Liz finds a way, even while at rock bottom, to maintain relationships with people all over the world. I can't even talk to someone. I just silently read my book and listen to my zune, brooding in the corner. I would change if I could. It's impossibly frustrating; to know who would like to be and be completely unable to become that thing because of your true nature. I want to have all the lovliness of being alone, but in the company with friends. In the beginning, I thought 'Well, I'm going to see the peole I work with more than the people I live with or are friends with so I'll wait until then.' Except I landed the most solitary job here. It's only been two weeks here, and I have a few friends...but none I'm getting really close to, or spending that much time with; this is especially difficult, because even if you're lucky enough to find people you really bond with, you rarely have the same days off. It's just sad.

So there I was, collapsed on my staircase dwelling on these things, because I'm too awfully pathetic to get up and do anything. And...nothing. No revelation, no silver lining...No resolution.