When in the midst of some mental turmoil, and one seeks guidance from another human source other than the depressing backdrop of their current mindset from a friend, they are usually met with attempts at instilling hope in faith in that individual. This, sadly enough, is the way I live my life with my friends; friends who constantly seek me out for such guidance. But do we really seek others out for guidance of hope and optimism? I think we go to people when we're like this to incessantly bitch and moan about our problems...without really caring what they have to say. Some people have fears that need quelled. Sometimes, this can't be fixed with human interaction. It has to come from within.
I mention all of this because I am in the midst of said inner turmoil, and rather than pretend or try and convince myself that I have lots of peple out there surrounding me to love and support me, I remind myself of the harsh reality that I am completely and totally alone and I need to suck it up and find a way to deal with it on my own.
My problem: Hopelessness; this time of the lovelorn variety; and once it starts, with me, it snowballs. I mean here I am, slaving away in a place that makes you want to-makes you believe in wishint on stars and that can make your dreams come true. If only that were true. If only each and every little deep, desperate desire in our hearts, cast into the giant abyss of the black, empty night sky was somehow magically attached to a flaming, burning ball of gas and came true. Im sitting here, with quite possibly the shittiest job possible and, in my perfet naivety, I still believe that good things will happen; that some kind of karmic relief will come of it. But I'm finding more and more each day that it doesn't. It just makes you wish harder, which leads to further disappointment, and that's the painful truth.
(In other news, Savannah and I went to Wal-Mart later that night at like 1AM, and it made tonight a little better. But still didn't help my several near-breakdowns of the night).
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you not alone !
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