Friday Night

Jenn and I decided to wake up bright and early and go to the Animal Kingdom today. Alexandra decided to join too but she would come a little later. When Jenn and I got to the park, we started running around and going to all the rides. While climbing up the hill of Everest we were gearing all the people in our car up. The little boy even recognized us when he got off the ride. I like hanging out with Jenn because she inspires me to be overly energetic.

Alexandra met up with us, although she was very flustered because we kept telling her that we went on her favorite ride Dinosaur, without her several times. She was abit grumpy throughout the early part of the day until we diagnosed the problem: Alexandra had not had her coffee yet.

Once she did get her coffee she was perfectly fine. We then decide to go to Magic Kingdom. It was at this point I lost my Splash Mountain vriginity. It was beautiful. Jenn had to work so she went off. Alexandra and I headed back to her place. I had plans with Dayna and Alexandra was going to join us but she couldn' go to the movie because it was sold out.

The last time Dayna and I were at Citywalk we bought this meal deal thing where you get an imax movie and dinner on the walk for twenty or so bucks. We were going to go to Margarheritaville, but it was packed as always. So we hit up some other places and its a little late to wait a while for a table. So we head to Pat O'Brien's to eat because its the only place that will take us. We give them the meal deal ticket and that must mean to give second-rate service and odd looks at the table, because that's what happened. We both got Jambalaya and it was decent but not great.

As was the movie. We saw the new Alice in Wonderland by Tim Burton, a film I was most excited to see. Although stunning in Imax 3D, the film was slightly disappointing. It was by no means bad, but it certainly wasn't a revolutionarily well done as I expected from the trailers. This mostly had to do with, surprisingly enough, Johnny Depp's preformance. I mean...you're Johnny Depp, you've been given this amazingly crazy role and...that's what you do? Weird. Esepcially the scottish accent thing going on. Didn't dig it to say the least.

But it was all in good company. Dayna and I had a grand ol time.

Boring Fun Day

I woke up not much in tho mood to do much of anything, although it was my day off. I ate some ramen and tidbits of all the groceries I have at home and started a marathon of watching the Harry Potter films. I knocked two and a half down before I felt the need to go something. Alexandra invited me to Epcot to spend some time with her and Tess.

I meet up with them in Britian, and meet the new friend they made in one of the shops, Patriona. She's a charming young woman with sass. She vented her passionate feelings about her job to us and also conversed with us about the contrast in culture between America and the UK. For instance, while we find their accents absolutely charming, they find ours to be nothing special, and she's absolutely right. She says they think this because they hear it all the time. This is something that the Australian film student mentioned as well. The American culture is so heavily emphasized all over the world, that there's almost nthing unique about it. This is why I so desperately want to have my children be raised in another culture. So that they will be able to enjoy the simple American indulgences while belonging to a different way of life as well.

Alexandra was so amused by the accent that she implored Patriona to read a book to her. So we go to the British Literature book store around the corner and bring it back for Patriona to read to us. She reads to us Peter Rabbit by Mrs. Potter. Alexandra and Tess giggled the entire time reading it. Alexandra caught the whole reading on tape.

Later on, we meet up with Jenn Downtown. We decide to get dinner but it's very late and some places won't take us. The one that did was T-Rex. I wanted to get the same sandwhich I get everytime I'm there, but Jenn would not allow it. So I got a burger instead, not in the mood or anything extravagent. It was a lot of fun and then we left. Goodnight.

I'm So Indecisive I Can't Even Decide What I'm Feeling

Today had an odd air. It provoked a sense of wild confusement of deciding what emotion I was feeling. When I went to work, I had a bathroom buddy, the female doing the female restrooms while you do the male restrooms to which you both are assigned, who was a little fun and had an open ear when it came to my venting of these ambiguous feelings. But my emotions changed throughout the day and swung like a woman during that time of the month, if not worse. At one moment, I completely happy and joking with my buddy, and then completely depressed the next. I can be feeling mediocre, and the next I'm angry. I could be on the verge of tears, and then be full of engery and hope. Such is my life...

But to clarify to all my bleaders, I am perfectly fine. Yesterday was most cleansing than anything else. I'm doing well and I feel, generally, ok. I'm more certain good things are coming than bad.

Illumination (Part 2)

I wake up with an emoitional hangover. I was expecting this to be a most depressing day due to the rain 9which I would usually love, if I weren't going to have to work in it) and yesterday's heartbreaks. I started some depressing music and headed for the bus stop.

I started chatting it up with some people on the bus, including a co-worker, Katey. It defintely lightened the mood of the day. Work was short and work. It wasn't half as bad as I thought it'd be thanks to the low crowds. I was beginning to think today was going to end up to be a good day. I got off and planned to go to Universal Citywalk with Dayna and Alexandra, and Tess, Alexandra's new best friend. I went over to Dayna's and she made some amazing chicken. Also, it was one of her roomies birthday and they had the most decadent cake I've ever had the absolute pleasure to experience. It was chocolate cake infused with chocolate chips and covered in a stick hot fudge, whipped cream, caramel, and Heath bar on top. It was divine.

We head out to Citywalk to hang out. Dayna and I get some ice cream, well...techinally, frozen yogurt form TCBY. I got white chocolate mousse flavored. It was delicious, tho odd. As for Tess and Alexandra, they went over to the little food court and got some ethnic food...chinese and burritos and chips and salsa. I sit there, conversing with them as they all talk about boys...and a few other topics. But I guess it was still a little fun, but it was starting to induce yesterdays heartache. On top of all of this, a love intrest back home was getting flustered and fed up with me. I really can't blame her, I'm awful it's true. But that's another discussion altogether. I go home afterwards, feeling comletely distraught and somewhat angry. I can't stand to be around anything familiar at the moment, especially the lovers on the couch. So I leave (Mind you this is at midnight).

I have to get away. I need to escape the reminders of love and lonliness. I walk. I walk without end. I want to avoid civilization at all cost. I turn my cell phone off. I want to walk roads that I'm not used to. I want to wallow in my own depresing pool of self pity and woe. I've spent to damn long trying to be positive and I'm sick of it. I walk to the painful and heartwrenching soundtrack to the movie The Village. I walk amongst the heavy winds brushing fallen leaves on the dark roads and unfamiliar scenery. I'm walking, but my heart seems to be running. It's pulse quickens with fury and sadness.

All the sudden, I'm crying. I've reached the highway at this point and I veer off the sidewalk, distancing myself from the busy interstate and trampling on the cold and wet grass. I'm crying because of the hopelessness of it all; how I'm tired of liking the ones who don't like me. Of not being able to truly feel love, even when it's clearly presented itself to me relentlessly; to be at discords with emotion.

But what hurts the most, and brings the most tears, is that I can't help but wondering...where is God in all of this? I feel incredibly distant from him? Why is it that, whenever people are in devastation, they feel most apart from God, why must they seek him out? I know he's there, right beside me, but why isn't he stepping in? I know that I'm probably being incredibly ignorant of the obvious and completely real blessings he is preforming and preparing for me, but I'm searching for answers from the only real friend that is always there with me...the one who can't speak back. I see a church in the distance and I feel like it must be some kind of sign.

I run to it and desperately try opening it's locked doors. I go around the back and there's an intense amount of construction going on. They're bulding something; broken bricks and unfinished concrete line the ground. I find a courtyard where inside there is a statue of a mother type figure playing with a child standing n some kind of altar with candles lining the base of the monument. In the back of the courtyard, there is a single bench. I go over to the candles depserately trying to find something to light a candle with to send an SOS flare to the Heavens, only to find wet candles and dead matches.

I sit on that bench overlooking the courtyard. I sit there, crying as the soundtracks stops having played the entire album twice. I take my giant headphones off and hang my head, hands folded. I pray. I pray from my heart to be opened...not only to the love and all the aspects of the human spirit, but to God's blessings and acknowledgement. I proay for the deliverance from my pity and angst. But then, I forfeit formality and talk to God straight up.

"Look, I'm trying. I understand you probably got this all planned out. You know what your doin', and I trust that. But, call me selfish, but I just want to know now. It's the waiting. I just...need to know now. I know your here with me, and I love you for it, but I just don't understand. What's coming for me? What am I to do? I'm doing the best I can, and I hope that's good enough for you.

I take a moment to compose myself. I sit for a few more minutes and the lights in the courtyard switch off. Probably because it's so late, it's nearly 2AM now. So I walk. I walk some more, not wanting to surrender this war with myself by going home and giving up. I then realize I haven't been to the REAL happiest place in the world in quite some time: Waffle House. I head that way. But it's quite a hike from where I am.

When I get there, the place is empty, other than some drunk girl and a stoned middle-aged man in the corner. I just take a seat in the back. I rder a coffee and a sausage biscuit. I spend a few moments in silent comtemplation while in my confusing state until the place clears out at around 330. I then strike up a conversation with Bryan, the cook. Funny story, I've always wanted to work at Waffle House. It's a place that has always brought joy and comfort to me and I wanted to share that with customers unlike it's usual employees. Anyways, Bryan lets me bitch about my job some and offers me some great advice...to just get high. Some fry cooks are just so wise. I inquire about his job and how he feels about it. He responds that he's somewhat fond of it, but it does kinda suck. We talk about Disney, Universal, and Florida in general. After the place brings more characters in, incuding a shady man who scrathced is arm without end like that of a crackhead, we didn't talk much more. I sip my coffee and listen to more depressing tunes and Bob Dylan. It's at this point I realize that I've yet to see the sunrise here. So, I stay in Waffle House for hours, until 545.

I leave and go walk around town some more, to get to the blood pumping but also to find a spot in which I can view my sunrise. I take advantage of several of the 24hr locations open along the road I'm on. For intnce, Dunkin' Donuts...I had no idea they were always open, but I went in and decided after the sunrise I'll stop by and get one. I also go into Walgreens and go up and down every isle. I find a spot outside Walgreens at a hotel. There is a bench directly facing the slightly rising sun. I am amazed. I sit with my back facing the moon and looking toward the sun.

Then I realize as the sunrises, the beauty of the moment brings the brightest illumination to the sky and my soul. There isn't anyone who can help you. When you have problems, the sunrise can be the absolute, most cleansing thing in the world; the start of a new day! And you know who does that? God. There he was, up in that sky, coming through for me. The power to sove problems can come from no other source. It comes from within, the small piece of God or the diety of your choice inside of you and there in lies you consolance. This is what must be understood, That the answers to trials must be sought after, not in the dark, in that pain and woe, but only in the hope and optimism that tomorrow brings. So turn around, face away from the dark and unyeildingly emptiness of night, and look towards tomorrow. Because you'll never find answers in the dark. You have to look ahead, to the new possibilities that God opens up to you each and everyday.

I'm overwhelmed at this revelation. I walk home, with my route home facing directly towards the sunrise, and grab a donut on the way. It's chocolate mint; a chocolate cake donut with shaved peppermint stick on top and it was so scrumptous! I walk home, practically giddy at my findings and go the whole way home.

Illumination (Part 1)

When in the midst of some mental turmoil, and one seeks guidance from another human source other than the depressing backdrop of their current mindset from a friend, they are usually met with attempts at instilling hope in faith in that individual. This, sadly enough, is the way I live my life with my friends; friends who constantly seek me out for such guidance. But do we really seek others out for guidance of hope and optimism? I think we go to people when we're like this to incessantly bitch and moan about our problems...without really caring what they have to say. Some people have fears that need quelled. Sometimes, this can't be fixed with human interaction. It has to come from within.

I mention all of this because I am in the midst of said inner turmoil, and rather than pretend or try and convince myself that I have lots of peple out there surrounding me to love and support me, I remind myself of the harsh reality that I am completely and totally alone and I need to suck it up and find a way to deal with it on my own.

My problem: Hopelessness; this time of the lovelorn variety; and once it starts, with me, it snowballs. I mean here I am, slaving away in a place that makes you want to-makes you believe in wishint on stars and that can make your dreams come true. If only that were true. If only each and every little deep, desperate desire in our hearts, cast into the giant abyss of the black, empty night sky was somehow magically attached to a flaming, burning ball of gas and came true. Im sitting here, with quite possibly the shittiest job possible and, in my perfet naivety, I still believe that good things will happen; that some kind of karmic relief will come of it. But I'm finding more and more each day that it doesn't. It just makes you wish harder, which leads to further disappointment, and that's the painful truth.

(In other news, Savannah and I went to Wal-Mart later that night at like 1AM, and it made tonight a little better. But still didn't help my several near-breakdowns of the night).